Finalist in WLP’s Youth Essay Contest Group 2: 18-25 Years
Temitayo O, Nigeria
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson
A woman’s fate is determined by men and women who play God. Her first gift is a doll-named-Baby with which she rehearses home maker, wife and mother. She is groomed to be a ‘proper woman’ — the silent one when the men are talking. All these in preparation for her husband’s house; is that not where all ‘good’ women end? A woman’s worth is defined first by her father, then her husband and last by the children she bears. She’s more blessed if she bore boys. If it’s a girl child, irrespective of her career success, she has to follow her mother’s steps. A ‘good woman’ doesn’t break the cycle! That’s not all, these ‘inequality gods’ add spice to her lifespan with other tough stops like the lack of freedom of choice; gender discrimination; rape and assaults of all kind. A woman should not allow these ‘inequality gods’, be they spiritual, economic, political or social, to script her life and that of her daughters.
Yoruba Door (cc) zug55
I wish I could say the solution to gender equality is education but women are being educated so much so that they reach challenging heights, yet how much has changed is debatable. I wish I could say that it’s more opportunities. Yes, let there be 50:50 opportunities in politics for instance and wait for women to bell the ‘political’ cat. I wish I could say more sexual freedom—free distribution of female condoms; freedom to keep or abort a pregnancy; freedom to marry or choose not to. Wait a minute, do all these translate to equality? I dream of a gender equal society but wake up with questions.
There have been gender conferences; gender equality policies enshrined in constitutions; gender activism by many organizations; gender equality has a prestigious number three seat on the Millennium Development Goals Document—these show that it’s acknowledged that gender inequality has to stop but what I would like to ask is how? I am tempted to say that gender equality lies in the sincere intentions of the government and the civil society but that’s not sufficient. A woman has to strive for it, especially through her decisions. The journey is not for the faint-hearted. That’s why I think the sole enemy to gender equality is fear.
In Nigeria, women like Margaret Ekpo famous as the first female politician; Funmilayo Kuti, the first woman to drive a car; Grace Alele Williams who obtained her PhD in Mathematics in 1963; Queen Amina of Zaria who ruled Zaria; the Egba women who fought against imposed taxation in 1939 as well as the Ekiti women who stripped to their waist to protest election malpractices in 2009—fought inequality with every drop of blood in their veins. For each of these exemplary women, there is some other woman aware of her rights but is too afraid to act. Education is good; freedom from social structures makes sense; cultural emancipation is liberating; but my question is what happens after these as we still seem far away from our objective?
Every time I want to raise gender questions through my Facebook status, it takes me longer. Not that I want to put my question in the best words but because I spend time thinking whose ox would be gored. I fear some friends would ‘blacklist’ me as that ‘trouble making girl’ that should just shut up. I fear that a man who would love me for who I am would step back. Hilarious, isn’t it? I also fear creating a scene if I raise my voice against the boys who indulge in a bout of teasing or groping at women in the market. I’ve made scenes because I learnt that fear kills the woman silent in the face of tyranny. If we don’t raise a voice, who will?
Fear has held women down for too long. Fear of what people will say. Fear of the unknown, of the society. Fear of not being heard. Fear of not getting another man to marry silences a raped girl. Fear grips not only women; it claws deep in the brains of men too. Men fear that a woman—the one who pees from behind, the weaker sex—would be equal with them. Fear rules the world and keeps us fixed on a spot though it seems we are moving.
Women may be educated and gender-conscious but the real story at the home front might come to the observer as a shock. We should ask—how is a girl raised? Why is she raised to be another ‘good woman’? Why is a girl not brought up to be fearless? Let’s return to the cradle and answer these questions with sincerity. We should change the way we nurture our future generations so they have liberated minds, thus creating an equal world for all. Mothers should be courageous to raise brave girls comfortable in their skins with strong voices to say NO to inequality.
In Buchi Emecheta’s Joys of Motherhood, Nnu Ego the main character laments when she realizes that she has lived for others but herself. To quote her, “God when will you create a woman who will be fulfilled in herself, a full human being, not anybody’s appendage?” In response, that complete woman is you and me—educated or illiterate; rich or poor regardless of nationality. For ‘complete women’ to live in a gender equal world, courage is important.
As a woman, learn that nobody will give you equality.
You just have to decide that you are taking it.
Be fearless and then take it!
REFERENCES
- Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. (Pg. 190-191)
- Buchi Emecheta, The Joys of Motherhood, African Writers Series, 1994. (Page I82)
Finalist in WLP’s Youth Essay Contest Group 2: 18-25 Years
Temitayo O, Nigeria
February 27th, 2010 at 8:58 am
This article is so apt!! Well done Tayo, I’m so proud of you.
As an activist in an organization that trains young women – over 1,000 yearly we are always stumped when it comes to them applying or even implementing some of the issues they were taught. Maybe in that number we get a handful but still – in this day and age we want (need) a critical mass.
We have realised that there is a strong need to change the way the game is played by creating an enabling environment – one without fear for these young women. while this role is important for civil societies to engage in no-one can give us (you and me) the courage to do so. we must take it.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:58 am
Great article – echoes an issue we have talked about for years – at least in small groups. Wonderful to hear the younger generation feel the same way. I hope your spirit never wavers and I hope you share your article on Face Book with all your friends and with everyone you know. You have nothing to be scared of, those who do not want to change are the ones who should be scared.
February 27th, 2010 at 11:05 am
I like to think that many people (women and men alike) will come across this wonderful piece by Nigeria’s Tayo, read it and leave as many useful comments as possible. But essentially, apart from eventually emerging a winner (as I sincerely do hope), Tayo has again touched on those ever-glaring opposites in life – fear and courage!
It’s about me, about you, about us! Unfortunately, I disagree with Tayo that ‘Fear rules the world and keeps us fixed on a spot though it seems we are moving’. My reason is not far-fetched – she provides it in this essay – she is my reason! Young as she may be, Tayo must have been through similar grooming experiences as she noted, but hasn’t she shown some of her own courage in this outstanding work of hers? So a move has just been made.
Yes, we need a critical mass. Many a mickle makes a muckle. One by one, little by little. As slow as it may seem, the important thing is we are moving, not on a spot, and that’s just one big encouragement for all of us! Well done Tayo!
February 27th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Thank you for this thought-provoking, well-written piece Temitayo. I think there is much we can do to encourage women to act more bold;y in their lives. For example, applauding women when they take risks instead of saying things like ‘they should have known better’ if they fail would encourage more women to dare to be different, to act in spite of their fears. Bon courage!
February 27th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
This is a wonderful piece Tayo. More grease to your pen.
February 27th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Wow!Great piece Temitayo!
Well done!
February 27th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Felicitations Temitayo. Very well said. Fear is really what holds us back, from speaking up, from doing more, from walking away. we can only hope that someday we all overcome fear.
February 27th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Oh, Temitayo!
This is such a wonderful piece. From birth, we are raised to become the perfect wives and mothers. Really, I don’t mind being the perfect wife and mother, but I just wonder who, if anyone, is raising my husband-to-be and teaching him how to be the perfect husband and father.
And like you rightly said, sexual liberation, education, and opportunities are not the solutions to our problem(s). Each woman, I suppose, has to be the solution to her problem.
February 27th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
I am very proud of you . This article should be read by men and women all over the world. It is soul seaching.We need more well written articles like this.I truely enjoyed it.
February 28th, 2010 at 5:06 am
Excellent piece Temitayo. Sure yet tentative, questing but clear minded. l really like it. The issues raise are universal and subliminal to the question of gender/human equality. In Nigeria particularly, the Nigerin woman, like the Nigerian person is complicit in her own powerlessness. The reasons are understandable but gets less and less forgivable especialy amongst the formaly well educated. Like the Nigerian state, the Nigerian woman is set up to fail, but the scale of failure is firmly her responsibility. I suspect that you are spot on in identifying a viceral cloying but often summountable fear at the root of it.
l hope you win the essay, tits up!
February 28th, 2010 at 6:00 pm
Temitayo, this is so very splendid. I’m honestly impressed. I implore every other woman to get up, meaning business at the back of their mind, and do away with that force called FEAR! It’s quite pathetic the kind of torture most women face just because they are born into the ‘wrong body’. The most painful to me is the ’social torture’. It has so become a part of that atimes, the woman unconsciously plays along the rule
February 28th, 2010 at 6:08 pm
”As a woman, learn that nobody will give you equality.
You just have to decide that you are taking it.
Be fearless and then take it!”
true talk Tayo, the society we live in gives nothing, especially to women, its up to us to fight and take the things we want. i hope one day we move past all of these though.
February 28th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
This is so very splendid Temitayo. I am honestly impressed. I implore every other woman out there to raise up seriously, having at the back of their minds, the intentions of doing away with that force called FEAR! If we wiat for either the Government or Civil Societies to do this for us, it might be an endless wait. -he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches, therefore, the time for less talk and much action is now!
What I find difficult to come to terms with is the social torture a woman receives for being born into the ‘wrong body’, it beats me hollow!
Temi, you have my support anytime, anyday. I am so very proud of you that you are of the AfriGrowth family. I wish you all the best. I believe in you, and I know you will make it.
March 1st, 2010 at 1:10 am
WOW!!! This is really good. I must commend you. You had this in you all along. The picture you added speaks a thousand words. Soooooo proud of this one!
March 1st, 2010 at 1:59 am
Woman, the world is yours for the taking. You rock the cradle, you rule the world.
March 1st, 2010 at 7:46 am
Thanks for sharing this lovely piece, Temitayo.
I think that the fear you speak about is nurtured by the myth that women who choose to base their decisions on their own dreams and wants are doing something which has never been done before, and that’s a big fat lie supported by patriarchal systems and cultures.
If we take a good look around we will see many positive examples of women who claim their right to make their own choices–not because they want to act like men, but simply because they are grown adults. We need to share our stories and be examples until women stop feeling guilty about their own victimization. As the quote you chose says, “our presence automatically liberates others.”
March 1st, 2010 at 8:11 am
Beyond the fact that I have drank from the intellectual gourd of Tayo in the past, perhaps in some 4 years. I can assert that this is new Tayo. A tayo not scared of the bold faces of bi-oppositions. A tayo who realises she is no more an observer but a strong voice that will be listened to. I am proud to have known you, to have walked on the same footpaths with you. I am expecting your novel-if you are planning to write one.
The gender issues you raised is philosophic, existentialist and confronting in a certain way. It probes into the depths of the human relations and the psychology of fear. It is a really good article.See u in the paradise of writers.
Femi Morgan
Journalist, Copy Editor and Author of Silent Drummings; a collection of Poems.
March 1st, 2010 at 8:57 am
I have to admit that I am glad this is provoking questions. I believe the question is what has happened to the feminists. Do not get me wrong. I am simply asking why we have had a world full of women outcry for emancipation and they’ve not gotten what they want. I might be wrong. But it might only be a call to make this world better for women. To think about why they have not become what they want to become is a shame, forgive me, on men. Thank you, Temitayo for making me see this question.
March 1st, 2010 at 11:48 am
Hmm.
Temitayo, for one so young, you show so much insight. You have addressed what would typically have been listed as the solutions to this problem.
We would have said education, political will and all the buzz words. But when all of these is there, what holds this utopia back?
It is so true what you say about even when you have it all, fear still holds you back. I think this is the essential humanity in us; to fear first. The thing that makes us stand out is what we do after we fear. Do we leap forward and take courage and do what is required to be the women and men we dream of being? Or do we give in to the fear and sit back and say, “Let some other woman fight that battle”?
I hope this article of yours will push one woman to do the former. Well done, young lady. I see you as one such woman.
March 1st, 2010 at 1:27 pm
This essay reads like a manifesto for change. Change is an important aspect in society, especially when there is obvious inequity. Tayo has again demonstrated the requirement for change: bold action by those who the issues affect most. I commend her bravery, in raising the clarion call.
March 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
the woman’s problem, as you aptly describes, stems from the cradle. it is the way we are made to perceive our sexuality. It is a fight, and a resolve not to live the norm that can bring about change. i have lived the ‘good woman’, lived according to society rules, but i grew weary, it is too much of a burden to live by others paradigm. i am no longer your stereotypical woman, i care little of what anyone thinks. i stepped out and moved on. i have observed all those little niceties that makes us ‘women’ – how a man makes us complete, children keeps us safe, and the itch that we all feel to hear another say, ’she is a woman of virtue’. what is this virtue that we talk about – when a woman lives with a disgraceful husband that hits her? learns to stifle her own dreams and purposes to watch another excel? learn to be seen and not heard? what a life that most be!
the bulk is in our hands, to shun the status-quo and pave our own path.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Well written Temi. Well done.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Hmmn,dis is really fascinating.what a brillant approach 2 life’s pressin issues.trust me,u av my total support.dis’s truely a challenge 2 guys/men out dere,U R A TRUE AMBASSADOR OF DIS GENERATION,AM PROUD OF U,WISHIN U D VERY BEST,PARAGON.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:37 pm
In recent years, I have had issues with the way gender equality in relation to women advocacy has been out across.
I must commend Tayo for being very pragmatic with this article and I hope you win. Writing this article and getting to the final stage really shows that young ladies like you, have what it takes to be respected and recognized.
The mindset of the society is a point of reference, which must be addressed as you have done here.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:38 pm
A well written piece of work that touches one of the most sensitive issues in political and social discourse. The role of women in the society has remained the same at the same time it has changed a lot over the last five decades, women like Wangari Maathia are making sure of that. Read more on gender and development you would understand how globalization, civilization, and development have lifted the bias and replaced it with a new kind of inequality.
Correction: In essay writing such as this you should avoid using short form of words like ‘that is instead of that’s and it is instead of it’s).
March 1st, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Well Written Temi, well done.
March 1st, 2010 at 3:40 pm
You actually hit the nail on the head and I felt indicted. I think I have to soften on female-folks henceforth. Bravo mademoiselle, more bleeding to your pen!
March 1st, 2010 at 3:46 pm
The issue of gender inequality is one that has been virtually addressed by different feminists but you have treated this from a different perspective which is identifying the problem from the root.Good essay
March 1st, 2010 at 3:51 pm
this is a very beautiful piece i once had an assigment back in school about gender inequality but what you have here is very brilliant…i think you must write an article for publication on this …Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living the other helps you make a life…well done
March 1st, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Tayo…..at the short of words…..you are fabulous…..i like it…..God bless you good, Amen
March 1st, 2010 at 4:12 pm
I think tayo’s rite.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Temitope, If you don’t win this. Call me up and the organizers would get it naija style:-) well written.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Thank you for an excellent write-up.
From a man’s perspective, I need to say that there is fear on the men’s side, also, the fear to be less macho with women! The fear to show weakness, to shed a tear! Expectations on men are heavy and we must begin to speak to ourselves on this as well so that we can be less violent with our women!
Well done for this piece!
March 1st, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Great words from a determined lady. FEAR turns our inner GOLD to dust. FEAR kills the giant in us and makes us midgets,it melts our strength and sends our knees wobling in defeat. But with a determined spirit and courage to beat fear comes success.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Temitayo you are such an outstanding writter. You are going to places, mark my words.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Thank you for this article Tayo. You speak the truth in a way that is refreshing.
The truth is we (all women) must come to the realization that we must own our lives. Equality will not be handed to us by anyone. We must take hold of it firmly. Fear will keep us in this endless cycle of denying who we are, pandering to society’s construct and not our own. We must not deny our femininity, but fully embrace it in the way our foremothers used to.
This is a good one. Looking forward to more from you!
March 1st, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Great piece Tayo! This article addresses every human’s greatest enemy-Fear. It perhaps is manifest in more colored variants in the female, such as ‘total submission’,'timid observation’ or even ‘priceless but faceless possessions’- notions which have been promoted by both culture and religion alike. Being fearless is a state i believe is a precursor to dream actualization, the path leading to the ‘YOU’- you want to be!
March 1st, 2010 at 5:02 pm
clear and thought provoking… not just a wake up call. but sit up and get going call for women to stand and be counted. well done tayo. great work!
March 1st, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Nice piece Temitayo. Very logical arguement. On my part however i think the greatest hindernace to gender equality is the fact that we are too conscious of it. The articles, conferences, summits, declarations, etc through which we bring the gender equqlity issue to fore (though good intentioned) is having a negative feedback. It increases our consciouness to the existence of a disparity and sustains our inherent tendency to maintain the status quo.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Excellent article that speaks to the challenges of young women working to claim their space in every global context. I admire your fearlessness and encourage you to share it as much as possible.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Really nice piece Tayo. I support all ur points. Keep it up. I pray u win d essay contest.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Tayo,this is a brilliant piece.In less words you tell so much. Lets bury gender chauvinism,as a society its time we discard the glass ceiling syndrome,Lets embrace the principle of equal opportunities because they collective efforts of everyone is what makes a positive impact in the society.
Tayo,once more well done.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:57 pm
It is imperative indeed to get rid of the fear. Once the fear is present, even the opportunities are for nothing. But it is not only a task for mothers to train their daughters but to both parents to train both genders. Boy children should be brought up to appreciate the value of a girl child as an equal member of the family. Thanks for this brilliant article.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Preach your mind. Unfortunately the world has taught us to not be ourselves. We strive for happiness with externals. Some spend their whole lives searching for the liberation and realise at the gates to heaven that life was meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Thank God for his blessings despite our blindness.
Spread your light with your gift of words this sister for one appreciates it.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Tayo, I am constantly in awe of your mind and its workings every time I read any of your pieces. I am, as always proud of you. Another masterpiece. Well done.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Great Tamitayo!
The only solution is to fear is facing fear itself. It is common knowledge that we do not solve problems by running away from them. Men be fearless and women remain “super fearless”. The world is here for us to co-habit not as rulers and subjects. Women, take your pride of place.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Nice work my sister, well written. You are just starting, win this first and pick up the next, and then the next, and the next, next, next…Wishing you best of grace, not luck
March 1st, 2010 at 6:45 pm
fear is the issue, as you have rightly pointed out. but what happens when we are liberated of the fear and then get all the equality we want in the world? does it mean we cannot now go back to being domesticated, and being the caregivers?can we not have both? a career and a home? will the world let us have both? if we are not, who will be? is capitalism really the devil in the race to equality? does it threaten to destroy our femininity and make us more like out male counterparts? can we not remain feminine while being equal? it is a conundrum and answers are not apparent….i am rooting for you!
March 1st, 2010 at 6:48 pm
Outstanding article. I find myself dealing with the same ‘cultural gender specific’ issues/roles as a wife and a mother. Your article is honest, fresh and thought provoking. Well done!
March 1st, 2010 at 7:01 pm
Fine piece Temitayo…as alwayz
love it!
March 1st, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I like the juxapositions in your article. I also think it quite thought provoking and a ‘take a look in the mirror’ moment when you challenge whether women are more equal with: 50:50, abortion rights,female condoms etc.
Indeed as a woman no one gives you equality. You do just decide and take it.
Good luck and I hope you emerge winner. A concise and well written article.
Kind regards,
Uduak Oduok, Esq.
March 1st, 2010 at 7:36 pm
A well thoughtful piece TemiTayo. But I would question that in reality there is equal access to education, politics, health. I think these are possible if you are of a certain class and live in urban areas. But for the majority of women in Nigeria and elsewhere in the global south, these opportunities do not exist. HOWEVER, I do agree with you that fear is a huge obstacle to women’s progress – the fears you raise are very well and affect women of all classes and geo locations. probably the greatest fear being the willingness to stand up and demand your rights – Funmi alluded to this. Another fear is fear of taking responsibility which I guess goes hand in hand with the willingness to stand up for ones rights.
The issues you raise are so important and you have engaged us all here. Thank you for this excellent well written piece.
March 1st, 2010 at 8:39 pm
This is a very nice piece.As a woman, I look forward to a new world, a new Africa, where our voices can be heard. I wish to see the new nation where women will cease to be the second citizens. I want to see the light of that day when men will no longer be intimidated by the woman who fears no fear. But can it happen in my time?
March 1st, 2010 at 9:58 pm
Hello Temitayo. I saw your email.
A mom is a mom, and I wouldn’t have liked it if I were raised by a mom who was more like a dad. I bless the day God made her and I appreciate her for who and what she is.
In any case, there are many ways to show fearlessness.
All the best,
Araceli
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:28 am
This is a piece to be reckoned with by all standards. This piece ia an additional evidence that our efforts in women activism is making impacts, particularly among the young ones. Yes, with the likes of young people like Tayo, there is no doubt that there are people who will continue with the job in the years ahead. Keep up this zeal, Tayo.
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:22 am
Well written Temitayo! This article has proven extremely insightful.
I wholly agree with you that fear is that dragon that we ALL have to slay.
Existing in the neat, tidy box of ‘perfect’ woman (at least in the eyes of the society), is tiring, draining, and unfulfilling. And it’s only us who’ve lived in that box for decades that truly understand the need to get out!
Well done girl!!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:01 am
It goes without saying that societal structures clearly place women at a disadvantage vis-a-vis men.
In this piece, Temitayo reminds the womenfolk that their match towards gender equality should begin with a radical change of mindset.
A good one.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:18 am
As a woman, learn that nobody will give you equality.
You just have to decide that you are taking it.
Be fearless and then take it!
The last sentences did it for me.
I have previously written a long essay on this and could share it if you want. Women wait too much to be accepted by others. But it is a selfish world and we have to give what we desire to ourselves.
Cheers!
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:47 am
hi Temi,
i will say ,this is very impressive, well done, well said.i believe also, that culture and religion has limited a lot of us women in Nigeria, but we must come out of this shadow of gender and take the steps we need to take, steps toward achieving personal greatness. it doesn’t matter who, where or what nationality we come from, what matters is that women can achieve greatness if we begin to search within our souls.
thank you
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:50 am
Temitayo, Temitayo, Temitayo. How many times have I called you??? Answer me, just answer me! You are a growing jewel and I know that you will win the price. In as much that I found it usually difficult reading , I couldn’t stop reading this. My child will say Daddy this is Awesome to every surprises and Im telling you today that Its really awesome. Keep it up and Keep running, you will get there.
Congratualtions
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:54 am
This is such a nice piece, very concise. It amazes me is wen young girls who are well read and educated, still make bad choices like allowing a man to beat you, abortion and so on. Despite the fact that they are aware of their choices in this matter. Our mothers tried to bridge this inequality gap the best way they could, we the supposed “jet age” should not let their efforts be wasted considering we have more at our diposal than they did. That your fearless does not make you any less femine.Let’s say no to FEAR.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:12 am
A brilliant piece of work, very well penned, temitayo, you have summarized it well, Fear is one’s own Enemy, so live life to the fullest, live fearlessly. Women should live without fear, never be oppressed by anyone, there is no first citizen, all are the same, and the day is not far away, when mankind can see change, a vast change. All the best for you Temitayo.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:14 am
Nicely done temitayo, let out your mind more often….its full of insight in our todays society. Bless.
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:48 am
Well done Tayo! You have nailed it…the points you have made are spot on! Nothing is free in this world and many time you have to hustle for it. Hustle for change, for equality and for what is important to you. I can be confident to be a ‘proper woman’ because it is my decision to follow that path not necessarily because it is what is expected but it is because I embrace that part of my femininity. Yet I am still proper enough a woman to rock the boat and rustle the leaves when I have to. I am woman enough to change and adapt as I please with MY standards and values as my guide.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:14 am
The way i see it, it is really the way of life, not only for the women folk, but everyone generally- male, female, old and young. In fact to prove this check the English language all the words that describes a human being describes them in relation to another person or in relation to a circumstance. So I will say welcome to the real world.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:20 am
was never in doubt bout ur writing skills.lovely piece.u got ma vote dear.all d best
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:32 am
even God stressed d point of fear in th bible not sure bout d quran so muslims pardon me n if i spelt it wrong. nyways we all have to conquer fear in all forms and all aspects.like me sometimes i fear of startin a business cos of fear of failure cos i have started some which dint stand.but i refuse to be afraid cos i ve to keep tryin.at least it who tries that has a probability of succeeding.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:50 am
Fear, like you said is one thing that holds us women back from being what we should. Fear of being different, fear of being labelled; as unmarried, as trouble makers, etc. I think the power lies in our hands to take our lives and make with them what we can. No matter how much society curtails us, we cannot ascribe our failures or our successes to anyone but ourselves.
Beautiful, Temitayo, as always… One day i know say u go make us prouder than we are already!
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:54 am
‘Tayo, you can’t be further away from the truth. We need to stand strong and conquer those fears that have been built by the environment/society in which we live. We need to stand against the “that’s the place of a woman” or “a woman should not say things like this or do things like that” syndrome.
It is time we learnt to take our place not as “weaker” sexes but as whole individuals capable of taking on anything. Only when we have conquered our own fear can we truly re-orientate the minds of our sisters and our daughters yet unborn…and ultimately look back and say “there was a time when a woman would not dare to do this…or that”
This is very thought provoking. Weldone, girl!
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:58 am
Lovely piece Temitayo.
Women can only get liberation when they sum up the courage to liberate themselves from the fear holding them from being complete beings in themselves.
The onus is on the woman to define herself not waiting for a man or another ‘warped’ woman to do it for her.
My own father did not believe in dolls named ‘Baby’, no, he prefered books and believed sporting games would make for a better child… also washing the car was part of my domestic duties!
I really love this piece of yours my ‘tiny’ look alike friend, I wish you success in the essay competition too.
Though a cliche, this still holds true ‘Great things come in small packages! Go ‘Tayo.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:13 am
As Temitayo rightly points out here, if women refuse to confront fear, legislations and policies will get us nowhere. Even when legislations are in place, it takes boldness to take advantage of the law. Lets think of the little rock nine in the united states, even when laws were put in place to stop segregation in schools, it took a group of children who were bold enough togo to the schools in the midst of scorn and opposition . It isn’t just about legislations, it is also about our willingness to stand up for our rights.
Great piece. Hope Tayo wins!
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:25 am
This is a fantastic write up Temitayo, to add to the voice of people here, the fear is not only with the women but even with the men that fear losign their superior status and some wil ldo anything to keep suppressing women because the fear that equality make them lose their power over women. Fear is another reason, in my own opinion that makes men refuse to accept women as their equal. Equality kills patriachy and somen men don’t want that.
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:27 am
@ Araceli: I am not sure I get your point, does gender equality make your mum become your dad? Or does it make it easier for yoru mum to have access to everything she should have as a human being and make your dad more active in different roles including domestic role that will it easier for your mum to explore her world?
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:42 am
Nicely written.
Still I have some comments. I really like the part that says: “A woman’s worth is defined first by her father, then her husband and last by the children she bears.”
That’s where the problem starts. This so-called fear is instilled right from the father. If a woman’s voice and opinion is respected in your father’s house, then I’m sure she will not be fearful in life.
But it’s also easy to mix-up fear and submission. These are two different characteristics that are mixed up today. I’ll make a small note on that: “Submission does not mean fear, it means respect. Submission with fear means Slavery” Most women today are slaves of their own fear.
Women can be great and powerful! My dad used to tell me that Wars are fought because of women, Peace in the world is maintained today because of women. But even the Bible calls them the weaker vessel.
We have examples of great women in history. Their fearlessness made them great. Check out their family; they had wonderful families too. So no matter where you are, making your family happy is the most important thing. It helps you to be fearless. It helps to be bold in the society. It helps you to be great.
Cheers.
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:36 am
First off, very well written piece, Temitayo. I think you stuck the matter right at the bull’s eye. Two comments and a question:
1. Women empowerment for gender equality has to be an inside-out thing – getting it right internally by the way of correction of internal insecurities, empowerment in terms of internal sense of worth, development of internal belief system that demands a fair sense of entitlement from life, etc, before making headway on the outside – and Fear is the greatest internal undermining agent ever! Fear hinders, cripples, petrifies in the face of self-assertion. (E.g. your facebook status dilemma.) Much needs to be done in the area of eradicating Fear. To my mind, the most potent antidote to Fear is doing that which you fear the most; staring your Fear right in the eye and just getting on with it!! Thinking of Fear as a hanging shadow that disappears in the face of light has helped me in dealing with it.
2. There is a place for asserting yourself as a lady, but I think there is an equally credible case for support from the men folks. I am a guy, and an avowed feminist – for me what that entails is to challenge my female friends and acquaintances to question the status-quo and refuse traditions handed to them that promote female subjugation; but more importantly, to provide for them a male perspective that supports women empowerment initiatives, at the very least, it gives them comfort that the whole world is not against them!! :)
Question: Can this world be totally free of inequality? I think the world thrives on the foundation of inequality – and the structures are in place to perpetuate this chasm: the rich and the poor will remain so as matrix for the outworking of capitalism, developed and developing countries will remain so as the matrix for the outworking of United Nations and its myriad, often useless developmental policies; man and women gender status will remain so as matrix for the outworking of the popular notion of family, procreation and society values, etc… Well, the task is not to eradicate inequality (I suppose, as it’s impossible!) but to reduce it as much as is practicable. That is an achievable task, and your piece has added a strand to working out how to achieve that goal. Thank you very much for it!!
March 2nd, 2010 at 8:32 am
Deep article. Raises questions that remain unanswered. Like you said, the answer / solution lies within every woman. As we take charge of our lives, we encourage others to do the same with theirs.
To every woman: Be yourself wherever you are. As you let your light shine, you give others permission to shine theirs too.
I am a woman and I wouldn’t change me for anything.
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:28 am
This is touching the right spots in words so simple they make sense to even the primary level girl. People talk about the silence of women but It is the FEAR that causes the Loud SILENCE
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:41 am
Several prompts got me to eventually read the piece. The internet and I havent gotten too friendly you see! Anyway it really is an incisive piece, straight from the gut and spot on because many women can see themselves in it. However, I see even more clearly that the solution really lies in raising strong men who respect women as human beings first, that s where mum comes in. As for dads, if they are good fathers they will raise confident daughters who will not need to keep shouting and asking for freedom and equality, because they are free! Whatever society might say God has created every one specially and if we only knew that we would not seek validation from any other. Well done Temi. You will win I know because it is a raw and sincere piece which communicates to all. Like one of the comments read, if dem nor give you make we deal with dem Naija style. Goodluck
March 2nd, 2010 at 9:49 am
Temi,
I must admit that this is well written. You said a lot and you said it all.
Thank you for making me see fear from this perspective.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:36 am
A good piece. Succintly written. Bravo
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:38 am
Well done young Temitayo! I really enjoyed this engaging piece, exploring gender equality issues from individual psychological perspectives. I agree that fear is a key player in equality for women who oppose the system, the norm. To speak out – step out and flip the script, especially in traditonal societies, is like searching for a martyr.
Other barriers faced is where women have the capacity to contribute for a positive change, the question of power arises – are the men in positions of power willing to hear these voices or do they feel threatened by them? Bear in mind ruling power depends on expoiting sub groups.
Nevertheless, Temi to add to your list another shining example of fearless Nigerian women, Prof Dora Akunyili, Minister of Information and Communication. In retrospect she stood her ground for human rights despite the risk of danger. Women like that are making changes.
Great essay for discussion, all the best!
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:51 am
Liked the terseness and rhetorical bent the writer employed in approaching her theme; stirring, indicting in a not in-you-face manner; a subtle pathos also underline her exposition; good perspective…well done.
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:53 am
Temitayo,
With this piece you have opened the wound on gender equality, you have addressed the issues in the right perspectives. I totally agree with you when you said in your write up that “Fear has held women down for too long” while this is correct I think also that the way the issue of gender equality is being addressed amongst gender activists needs also to be addressed. Me thinks gender equality does not conote disrespect for the men or women folk and that gender applies to the different roles we all play as man and woman.
Your essay captured many of the barriers to gender equality and your personal experience with posting gender discussions on facebook no doubt captures the situation of the average woman when it comes to making their stand known or getting their voice heard and I bet it is the same for some men too. The fear of rejection is one that has not only weaken the process of entrenching gender equality it has also succeeded in making many women and men come on the offensively defensive side of the gender equality table.
Your words: “Be fearless and then take it!” sums it all and I will add “Be fearless and then take it with respect and dignity!”
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:19 am
I particularly like the call to action, namely the final paragraph; and the quote in the first paragraph (perhaps because I have read it before, the quote I mean). Your ‘rights’ as a person need to be asked for no matter the situation. Truth be told, even in the sanest of societies, this issue is still being discussed (debated). Tayo, this is a brilliant piece! Go girl, you have got it in you!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:41 am
Powerful and gripping indeed!! You wrote with such passion in your heart. Well done Temitayo O!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:49 am
This article has such strong points that it would be a sin to ignore. Many times women fear that their visions and dreams won’t be accepted by the world at large. I like the examples you gave about those women who rose up and fought with the blood in their veins. One of the strongest characteristics that can fight gender inequality is courage.
March 2nd, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Tayo, thanks for putting our women on the international spotlight. That’s actually where they belong. reading this piece tells me that you walk the talk. I’ve heard you passionately discuss this issue of fear a couple of times as it pertains to women but reading this was tantamount to hearing you speak about the issue on the top of your voice at a public square.
Best of Luck.
Next time we talk, just tell me you won!
March 2nd, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I am really not a feminist with a label, but advocate of an egalitarian society. The issues raised in your piece are cogent and sear the heart of any reader who critically perused the lines.But again, I make bold to say that the fear emanates from the ‘growing up’ days and the age-old societal norms which have simply defied eradication.
Thumbs up to you for a take tersely expressed. I am sure you really have unburdened and ventilated long-sustained bottled emotions.Theryor, you have prokoved a salient discourse which will engender far-reaching effects. Here is my warm embrace for an essay genuinely worded.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Lovely piece Tayo.
I feel the quest to unlock the silenced voices of the woman should be pursued.
But also I believe the responsibility they now champion in the home should be given the utmost relevance and importance. Women must begin to realise that their failure at the home-front has caused the breakdown in morals that is destroying our world today.
Women used to graciously dedicate their time and energy to bringing up the future leaders and build their careers alongside, with more emphasis on the moulding……and then we saw great leaders emerge. In situations where the man or woman that was once a child did not stand out in fame and riches, they held on to the lessons they had learnt from home to keep their heads up high and maintain their dignity irrespective of what happens around them.
Women should maintain this responsibility with pride!
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:44 pm
@Temi, well done! This is a good one.
I do agree with issues of fear raised in your article. My opinion in gender equality as it regards husband and wife is often centered around love. Because in the real sense of things, there are few foundations upon which we can base the equality of a man and woman – the same way all men are not equal (and all beer would never be).
For the woman, it would take a lot to overcome the fear that has been unconsciously built into her psyche. Well done!
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:04 pm
tayo, very good piece. It’s thought provoking and challenging. I hope you win.
March 2nd, 2010 at 4:00 pm
To Standtall: My mom had access to everything she needed.
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Great piece Tayo…but my advice is for guys that have read this thought provoking article…this is a call to action…its time to change the stereotype status quo and mindset of how women are viewed….it begins with you…
March 2nd, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Great work here, Tayo! I do hope it makes an impact, far beyond your expectations. Keep it up!
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:20 pm
great work temitayo..u make a great point out there…Mother FEAR is truly the driving force that keeps edging us out of our dreams most especially we WOMEN…we have become so greatly bounded in the chains of our fear to survive as a voice that we keep killing our selves and dreams as we aim for POWER all in the name of trying to be heard but one thing we forget is that WHAT REALLY HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE GIVEN THAT RULE OF POWER,THAT VOICE TO SPEAK,THAT STRENGHT TO TAKE CHARGE…CAN OUR FEARS REALLY GIVE US THAT CHANCE??you have got a backup here and i believe so much in your VOICE
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Beyond the views that this life gives ………the weaker sex………the stronger sex…… it still reveals that they are mutually exclusive and they have equal right…..thank God for the Ability to be literate as an African (Nigerian)woman……… for a woman it goes a long way………despite all cultural cages or obstruction its left in the mind of the woman to define how it is now and how to play strong even when it appears opposite…..the Sovereignty of the God of womanhood explains the irony of her existence…….Its all in the mind now and how well she wants to use it..literate or semi-literate………………………….Go Girl …Temitayo…..there are many voices but someday it would not only be know that women are strong but the missing rib that completes an ideal man no matter where he is from………Vices could remain vices, norms could remain norms, but the voice (Your Voice)today will always be in history to leave “echoes of ambition” in the heart of an “ideal woman” who want to live a legacy in her generation and foot prints for the future to see an appreciate their unique quality as a woman…….SPEAK OUT
March 2nd, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Temitayo…….i see a great leader who is ready to set the pace for a woman who want to see herself in a better light ..despite all odds………i’ll say its your P.M.A (Positive Mental Attitude) ride on Girl
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:29 pm
Temitayo,
Thanks for reminding us how far we’ve come, but also, how very far we must go to reach gender parity.
Now it’s about legislating equality and reducing the stigma attached to being assertively, unapologetically pro women’s rights in too many parts of the world.
The essay puts me in mind of Simone De Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex,” which was re-released this year in a new translation. Good timing, and this is a very thoughtful contribution!
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:07 am
Well done. What are some more ways that women and me both can overcome this FEAR?
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:48 am
Wow! am totally blown away, welldone Tayo dear… this is really splendid n fascinating. Issues like this need to be discussed much more openly in our society especially this continent Africa where women are seen as the second fiddle as the saying goes its a man world but things are changing this days that is why we have series of broken homes because the women can take it no more. Welldone Tayo great job!
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:03 am
Tayo,you echo my sentiments,it is about time we raise girl children who are sure of their own sense of self.This needs to start with mothers instilling in their girl children a sense of pride in who they are,teaching them to be self sufficient and fearless,Girl children need to be taught to speak their minds,and not be judged as being disrespectful when they do.This cycle needs to end with our generation,we need to sow the seeds of change now,it is our birth right to determine who we are and who we want to become.The traditions,and norms that currently define us were not made by us,we must refuse to subscribe to beliefs that do not serve our purpose.As Steve Biko once wrote”I write what I like” I say we must do what we like as long as it does not infringe on another’s goodwill.
It is in the little things that we need to start with building to the bigger things.I believe we could even bring down the number of women abuse cases if we have self affirmed women.As Whitney Houston puts “I didn’t know my own strength” Women need to start finding that strength within,we need to find our voices,we need to affirm ourselves and know that we are not an extension of our men,but we can stand on our own feet.Yes we are powerful beyond measure and no one can take that away unless you give him/her permission.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:06 am
Nice piece, just had to give another read. I am getting to understand the pains of women. I just finished reading Dotun Eyinade’s article on mortality and I feel we men need to stand up for our women. We need to help them and not commodify them. we need to give them a room to express their ambitions. We need to help in providing policies for their health, security and liberation.I am getting passionate about this issues.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:32 am
Great piece Temitayo! This essay is very apt.
Women are subjected to so many negative things and societal pains just because of their gender. We need to SPEAK OUT and stay bold. We should not entertain fear.
Keep up the good work!
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:29 am
Nice article…
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:38 am
nice provocation, but i think there are a lot of issues you overlook, cos it seems to me that you collected all the challenges plaguing humanity, especially those from a economically restrained community and you tag it with gender inequality, well it might be part of it, but this is something that has more to do with personal effort and looking for an excuse to justify our failures. so much ado about the first lady to drive a car, who cares about the first man to drive a car, who cares about the men who went naked to protest against corruption, the question is surely not there… I like females but i don’t go well with feminist ideals, it sounds so much like racism, nationalism, gay pride and all other politics or rhetoric of identity, by which a member of one grouping, enchained to either a geographical location, or social class, or clique, or religion, even to the ridiculous extent of skin flags and gender, puts that group at the centre of the world, is derived from a thought that dignifies the practice of competition and clash, whose real purpose is self aggrandisement, power, conquest of standards, treasure and unrestrained self pride.
As Africans, this similar quest for identity has affected our perception and understanding, and so our creativity. When the word humanity comes to our hearing, just as the typical western mind can see a precise image that connotes their notion of ‘humanity’, in the same vain the African or Asian or any other sect for that matter can see only within their imposed borders. We have been so much arranged that all we set out for is the politics of difference which favours polemics and clashes, rather than paying attention to those little things that unites us as a member of the larger human family, however tiny they might be, they still represent the things that advances ideas that might try to reconcile between sects and enforce integration and harmony.
There are two thing that should not be confused, when the question of gender difference arises, one are we talking about social status? and we talking about our place within the family? socially i don’t think there is a man out there, who will look at the likes of Asa, funmi iyanda, Jihan el Tahri, Dominique Malaquais, Chimamanda Adiche, Dora Akunyil, Ngozi Okonjo iweala and other women i know who are doing absolutely great above the bias of gender difference, but on the other hand, what role do they play in their family life? the mother, the home keeper and of course the good wife, only if we have figured out a different rule of nature, then we will be talking of equality in that sphere. one thing that we should know clearly, is that only one pilot is in charge of a plane, and we all need a co-pilot to have a safe journey (note a co-pilot, not a passenger)
Thanks
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:38 am
@ Everyone–thank you for your kind words. For nodding in agreement or shaking your head in opposition. It is good! It shows that we are moving. And in the right direction.
When I was about to write piece, something almost held me back. Just the way it holds me back on my FB status. Just like me and like most humans before taking on any activity, something holds us back. There’s always the urge to keep on doing things on the business-as-usual-mode but I know that nothing gets done when we continue simply because it’s tradition, without questioning, without looking how the present has changed so much from the past. So I thought, this thing would likely have held so many women back…this thing that has stopped them from living to the fullness of their potentials. This thing for me, I called FEAR.
And the fear is understandable of course. We were taught like these by our parents. Fed on some things by them…which they were fed on by their own parents too. Most people grew on it–girls (women) don’t talk when men are talking (well this is changing!). They don’t have a say in their own choices. Oh yes, a child can do very little when it comes to how he or she is brought up, I agree. But what happens when he or she has grown old, old enough to make decisions? Those demons from the past crawl in and make them feel like trouble makers, like the monsters going against tradition. .
It’s always there everytime you open your mouth to talk for equality (of every kind) they say ‘the feminist’ has come, as though it were some disease or as though you are not an human being first before any other thing. That was why I felt that all women really have to look within and confront that enemy from inside. No one will do it for you.
Have you ever wondered how you become the victim when you raise your voice against that straying hand on your butts at the market? Or how did it feel when you went to that five-star hotel for that meeting and you were not offered a drink (which) you were going to pay for because they felt you were a whore straying around for the next customer? And I forget the case of a guy who told me that a girl can never lead a class he’s in? Or the doorman at the bank who felt that the bank was so messed up because it had a female manager? There are so many examples that just make me shrug :(
There have been so many instances where I should have spoken. There were so many times when I was confronted by some situation and I simply minded my business like most Lagosians. I’ve been at that ‘fearful’ point many times. At some times, I looked away. I know that it isn’t time to look away. It’s time to look inward and act. Inaction itself is some form of action. We should speak and if they think they do not like what we say, they should be compelled to change. If they don’t change, we know that we were not weaklings and we did our best. We know that the light did not die with us and someday soon some girl will grow up without fear to be the best that she can. Someday, she won’t be afraid to raise her voice against inequality of any sorts. Someday, maybe we will have that gender equal society that we dream of :)
Now I’ll try as much as possible to react to some comments :)
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:13 am
@ Qudus–First I had only 1,000 words to say anything. I’m glad those words have done this much :D
Thank you so much for this exposition. However you seem to be mixing up so many things. I agree with you that inequlaity is everywhere. Yes, gender, economic, and all other such inequalities too many to mention.
Women from economically challenged societies apparently are under something similar to what Ama Ata Aidoo (I think)calls the double burden of patriarchy which most African countries are under. First level of oppression is that they have to deal with the fact that they were colonised by some foreign nation. Second with the men, who are supposed to be supportive are not working hand-in-hand with them, which was depressive. Yes, the colonial masters are gone but what do we have in their stead? Leaders more concerned about stacking off national wealth in foreign accounts. What do we have? Women dying at hospitals simply because they didn’t have access to proper medical care? (You should read my friend, Dotun Eyinade’s piece on maternal mortality)Women who have to pay through their nostrils to give themselves an education…or some who don’t even have at all. Have you ever wondered why women are the ones more susceptible to HIV/AIDS? (Read )So maybe the double demon is still with us but in another way, in the garment of economic, political and other such challenges. And when it comes to gender (like almost every other thing) each society has its own unique challenges, for instance take a look at the variety of issues that the finalists think are hindering gender equality in their societies–for Himali from Nepal, it’s lack of economic opportunities; for Mutesi and Irene from Uganada, its HIV/AIDS and poverty; for Karim from US, it’s economic inequality and for Jennifer T from SA, its gender-based Violence. So you see, as much as it looks like there’s a common enemy, it has various appearances.
You are right, gender equality is about our place in the family but it’s much more, it’s about our place in the society. It’s about women living to the fullness of their potentials. It’s about men and men working together for a better society not with one person as an underdog. and in your own words, it’s about two pilots on a plane–one isn’t inferior to the other.
Great women you mention there. And of course, they are many things and have been able to balance it all. Did you read Funmi Iyanda’s comment on this? You should. And like FI, I’m sure that all these women that you mention have their stories to tell. Stories, I am sure of not achieving all they have on a platter of gold. Stories of fearlessly having to look tradition in the face. Would be great to hear these stories. I’m sure they have their questions too. That’s why I say that it’s left for each woman to confront her own fear.
Thanks Qudus for raising these issues :)
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:56 am
Huh, Temitayo, i have been reading ladies’ write-up but yours is exceptional and its eye-demanding. i think i will like to read more of your books if you have any. You are met for this and am sure you will be successful in this field of yours. Once again, congrats on this write-up. Its for African ladies who are fearful.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:01 am
bravo my girl!
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:11 am
hmmmm… thought provoking! we are in an enviroment that is not equally relational to the genders. the woman has to strive harder. the fear is understandable but can’t continue to be permitted
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:14 am
Gender problem have being an issues over the years and it gave woman the feeling of inferiority. woman were seen as weaklings that could do nothing but good only for the kichen.
I remember hearing the words you quoted at the begining of the article when i saw “coarch carter” and i was so inspired by it. Woman for so long have being an object of abuse in the society and can’t air their views for fear of being put down but it’s time to speak about it and give empowerment to us woman.
I am happy when i read this article and it’s emphasis on this topic, also it pleases me that most woman in our society today have taken it upon themselves to rise above the waters to speak out.
Tayo a job well done. You have also become a voice for woman.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:16 am
This is an interesting piece that has been able to touch various sensitive issues in the life of women and also men in particular. However, I think women shouldn’t feel deprived of certain things in anyway. We all know that life is an individual race and we all have the right to choose what’s good for us and what’s not. We all should say no to whatever we find repulsive to our growth and achievements. I wouldn’t want to say much… Nice piece though…More grease to your elbow…
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:40 am
wow!beautifully written,more of dis please.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 am
Well done Temitayo. If we don’t tell our own stories, and speak out on our own issues, we allow others to define us and we invite ridicule – the sort that takes generations to shake off. Keep going!
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:58 am
Great article. Right on point. Thumbs up Temitayo.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:19 am
This is an excellent piece of work. Sooner or later you would be renowned writer both home and abroad.
Keep up the good work
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:24 am
nice article
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:30 am
Cogent and interesting! I particularly love your last few sentences–overcoming gender inequality is a choice every woman must decide to make on her own. Yes, the society has its own role to play, but the liberation must come first from my mind, from your mind, and from our minds as women. Tayo, this is well written.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:32 am
I love! I love!! I love!!! Oh, girl, am soooo proud of you. This is a fear I have been dealing with all my life. A life where ALL that is important is how soon/fast I can bring home a man, despite having a good career and having a good life. You spoke my mind, beautifully too! You’ve got my vote!
And if you don’t win, make we deal with them Naija style :)
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:47 am
Kudos to u Tayo. This is a great piece. It is thought provoking. I’m very proud of u
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:47 am
Well done, Temitayo! This is inspiring indeed.
Whilst women should strive to achieve great and noble things in the world, let us not be afraid to be humble, to be silent when words are not needed, to stoop to conquer, to forgive… Whilst dignity is our due, let us not be afraid of the natural order of things.
March 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 am
Tres bien ecrit.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:25 pm
As always, well written piece Tayo. However, it seems to me that the perceived inequality is actually a difference in the natural roles of the sexes. I have tried to ponder upon this many times and I always seem to reach the conclusion that there is some unchangeable inequality created by nature as between men and women. Let us take an example from the world’s major religions. They all seem to give control to the man over the woman. As a christian myself, I often wonder why many passages in the bible refer for instance to Jesus “feeding 5000 people, excluding women and children”.
I also note that even though women seem to want equality with men, they by their own actions and utterances seem to be passing the opposite message. I am always told by friends to be a gentleman and do something for a lady which I don’t have to do for a man. Isn’t this a simple acknowledgement of inequality?
I await comments.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Couldn’t get more inspiring. Great job!
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Great piece Temitayo. It is those who dare to brave the fear and stand up loud for their intrinsic rights as individual human beings that cause societal revolution.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Beautiful piece, well written and fearless. Who said men are more equal than women…? Keep it up.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Temitayo your essay is well written, however, I feel that it’s a bit one-sided. Gender equality isnt about women breaking out of the traditional roles that have been set for us by our families and society. It is about choice. Therefore a woman that choses to be a house-wife isn’t afraid, that’s her choice. Just the same way a woman who chooses to forgo a family life and forge a career, makes another choice. For there to be real equality, we women have to stop being disrespectful to each other. What we all need is the right to choose our paths.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm
This is a very wonderful piece, i must say, Tayo. It’s another way of approaching the old debate on Gender Inequality. Keep it up.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:39 pm
I am very proud of you Tee
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:52 pm
@ Araceli, what is the meaning of ‘a mom is a mom’. My mom did a thousand of things most men will never do and likewise must be said of my dad. They were a bit of the stereotype but they weren’t ‘a mom that is mom’ and ‘a dad that is a dad’. Must history always repeat itself? We women are the ones creating our own problems. this discourse is actually a circle. It goes on and on. But seriouly Tayo, is this part of your Masters Thesis? Thanking you for sharing this. God bless you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
EXCELLENT. What more is there to say? This essay is simple, clear, straight to the point AND it is fearless. My heart is beating faster and I am smiling more broadly having read this. Such sentiments cannot be expressed enough. Not until there is significant change. And in this case these sentiments are expressed within a fabulously written piece. Bravo, Temitayo
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I absolutely believe what Temitayo has written is on point . Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Tayo,you have really done a good work with this essay,with all the examples mentioned that can not be disputed, i will like to add my own personal contact with a great, wonderful and gifted woman by the name SANDRA AGUEBOR.This is an exemplary gifted woman that runs a mechanic workshop,her prowess in this vocation brought MTN foundation to her door steps,for her to partner in training young girls who are willing to learn the vocation of mechanic.She is in command of what she does and no one dictates for her.If the new generation we have now can have a change in attitude on how to relate with women and accord them equal right as men,we would have made progress in reducing to the bearest minimum crimes and vices against women.I appreciate all the women around me;my mum,sisters,cousins,aunties,friends and all hardworking women in command of what they do and with good heart.There is no way essays like this wont give you more knowledge on how to treat and relate with women anywhere and anytime.Tayo i support you and u have my vote on this essay.Encouragement like this surely motivates to bring out the best,tayo still has a lot inside of her to give to this world of ours and am ready to give her all the encouragement she needs to reach her full potential.
i am proud of you a Tayo and privilege d to meet you in process of climbing the ladder of life.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Absolutely FAB and beautifully written piece Tayo!Really loved the way u captured such a controversial topic.I sure do hope u win…THUMBS UP GIRL!
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Apt, true, thought provoking. God gave life to everyone, you and I need no one else’s permission to live our lives to the full. We also need to give ourselves permission to live our lives. Expect you to win the prize.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:56 pm
What an incredibly insightful essay that not only speaks the truth, but calls us out on our meager attempts to “fix” gender inequality by throwing things like education and affirmative action at it. Although these “fixes” are indeed necessary, they are insufficient as Temitayo so articulately states. We must raise our girls, from the moment they are born, to be fearless, ruthless and demanding of their rights. I think we, as a society and particularly those of us in development, hesitate to face this reality however because a) it’s difficult as hell and b) how do you measure it? We like to say we are doing things to fix the problem and can easily count the number of girls who enroll in primary school in Lagos. But how do you count the number of girls raised without inhibitions who refuse to be stifled by the fear Temi talks about? Maybe we should stop focusing so much on measuring progress and simply get down to making it happen.
As Amy O just noted, we need a critical mass of women and girls of this nature who can support each other and stand up together against the constant barriers we face – that will also instill courage and ensure that one day our granddaughters and great-granddaughters are born into a world that is truly equal rather than one they are still fighting to change.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:58 pm
@Oludayo-thank you for your comments. BTW, what do you call natural? Maybe I should put it like one of my friends says–is it like women coming into the world with an apron tied around their necks or spoons in their hands? And with the guys coming with footballs around their feet or power suits on them? For me what is natural is maybe giving birth–this even can’t be done alone, it’s in partnership. Nurturing children too should be. Not that the child has pooed and the man right in front of the TV goes like ‘Madam your child has pooed.” Meaning? What we call natural of course are social creations which are changing. There are male hairdressers, chefs, what should be said about those? Gender roles are getting shattered by the day. Haha, religion is one very ‘touchy’ and as much as possible I know that people interpret religious books to suit their needs. And I know that the Bible is gender-insensitive as it were. And a bulk of it was written by men wasn’t it? Though we say under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit…hmmmm
And you are right about women as agents of patriarchy. Yes, it’s women who do the female circumcision for one. But not to excuse their actions, for me it seems they don’t know more. Once the sheets of ignorance are off, sure change beckons. And did I hear someone also say that its mothers who tell their sons not to go into the kitchen but would rather have their daughters in there. I think it’s because they are afraid their sons would be called sissies tomorrow. And I think it’s cute if a man that can cook :) Yeah, they aint many who can and who will accept that they can. And he isn’t any less manly in any way. That’s why it’s also good for women to be knowledgeable about these things–I think a girl should be able to fix a tyre or a bulb even as a man can cook a meal!
@Bystander: Its about women conscious of their choices. And not gulping down things served to them gullibly. If she chooses to become a full-house wife for reasons best known to her. Why not? It’s her choice. But the woman who wants to become the IT guru should be allowed to, without criticism. It’s her choice!
@Motilewa: Its no MA Thesis o. It’s WLP that made me express what has been brewing in my head for a long time. A Mom can’t be a Dad, at least the last time I checked she still needed the sperm to make a child. Likewise the Dad can’t be a Mum. And I must say that there are many strong mothers out there. There are some single mothers for instance who strive daily to become both mothers and father figures :)
@Everyone–Thanks again :)
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:08 pm
short, concise, very daring. and like all good essays, ask more questions than proffer answers. more than anything, this piece is an intellectual ice picks that digs into the very core of gender inequality, our culture. Inequality has become subliminal, a spontaneous and yet barbaric act. and yes, it prescribes the best anecdote yet: ridding fear from our hearts. Temitayo, i must raise my two thumbs up. for you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:16 pm
@MH-I wish I could write a book called 50 Ways We Can Conquer Our ‘Gender’ Fears. Lol! I just wish but I can’t. I can only speak for myself. I know that the best way to confront fear is not by shying away or keeping silent. You FACE it. And this sounds like some easy thing but I know it’s not because the moments between being fearful and fearless are just split seconds. Every woman (and man) should find their voice. For some women, it seems harder because they many grew on fear…
Men and their fears, I aint a man, can’t tell. But I think men should see women as partners, human beings and not lesser. If they do, all that unwanted ‘touchery’ and harassments would be reduced. I think!
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:59 pm
Hello my dear Tayo. I like your will power to stand up for change. And I absolutely agree with you that i’m mixing everything up. Because that is exactly what you refuse to look at. THE BIGGER PICTURE- like I said we all live in a Balkanized world, because we all want to step out of the box, we embrace an ideology and close ourselves up in another box we created for ourselves. Every balkanized sect creates its own enemy or adversaries or imagined protagonists – i mean a kind of paranoia – we all live in fear and have a need to blame it on the otherness of the others. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blind to the question of rape, battered women, lack of education, economic opportunities, gender based violence even political inequalities. But my dear, these… I mean all of what I just laid down, are not peculiar to the “woman” this is the destiny of humanity. i.e, some will eventually be the prey of the powerful sect with the most diabolic agenda. I’ve seen women rape men, i’ve seen men rape men, i’ve see some stupid people who could not control their anger commit crazy atrocities. And sincerely it has nothing to do with gender inequalities.
Let me ground my hypothesis. Did Obama win the election because he was black or a man? Did Hilary lose to him cos she was a woman or a white? So let’s place Hilary beside McCain, what do you think? … Are you feeling my point already? I like your reflection, but don’t you think it’s still sounding like a cliché. Yes she is a woman, no she is an intelligent young lady, so she must talk about gender difference in ‘this’ manner. The ability to reflect and question already is an attempt to separation, to distinguish the self from a former time, from tradition, from culture, from religion, from nation, from gender and every baggage of history and influence on our shoulders. From the moment we begin to illuminate an existential manner of reflection, we begin to feel our differences, and from the moment we begin to respect our differences, we begin to give chance to change and change to chance.
The pertinent problem therefore, is that the profiteers of any space and time, any ideological camp are usually anti-change agents, because they dread a certain loss of power that comes with change. (Wo)Man creates (her)himself in accordance with his/her past and present affiliations. To go into the world is therefore, to go into a fundamental separation with the one responsible for one’s conception, separation with our boxes and begin to share a communal value of life, which gives the beginning of a new time and a possible paradise lost for the parental figure, or the profiteers of a former time. As separation seems fundamental in the collective thinking of a people, it also exists with the individual confronted with the loss of self defined liberty, (in the case of the man that you identify as an anti equality agent for the woman.) and the acquisition of a community of opposite and different set of individuals, bind to coexist in nature.
Now we can think of solitude and privacy in other manner than a separation from life, but an adoration of distance and difference; to be one’s self and have the capacity to confront the other. SEPARATION in the sense i have explained it, should make us respect each other’s view better I think.
March 3rd, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Wonderful essay. How hard it is to write again on this subject – yet you have raised both ancient and modern points and still come over with optimism and courage. I really appreciate it because as a woman the issue is in danger of being ‘normalised’ and you have made it fresh again – as it has to be. While a woman’s mind screams “oh not again” she has to understand that freedom from fear is not a formula – it’s seeing, I think, that it’s all right to say it again – as you have. Thank you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Tayo, this is absolutely enlightening. Keep up the good work!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Tayo, thanks for publishing this. It’s high time! with full expression of what we women carry, the world would definitely be a better place. Let’s Voice out without Fear! It’s high time!
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:56 pm
brilliant one! its time for us to go for what we want and stop waiting till it is brought to our doorsteps.
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:47 pm
This a wonderful essay, Temitayo! The last line perfectly encapsulates the main point this piece urges us to do as women and that is:
“As a woman, learn that nobody will give you equality.
You just have to decide that you are taking it.
Be fearless and then take it!”
It can be scary to step-out of your comfort zone or to challenge popularly-held beliefs and customs, when all you want is merely the freedom to be you and claim all the opportunities that men enjoy. However, ultimately this is the only way to make changes that will improve our lives as women. And as women we should be ready to support each other as we take these bold steps.
Congrats on writing this incredibly articulate and incisive piece.
March 3rd, 2010 at 7:50 pm
waoooooo what can i say?this is outa this world, GO TAYO, we come after you.
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:07 pm
you are right on so many different levels.
we are bound by fear and this fear has allowed us to be subjected for thousands of year.
the sad thing is that fear ripples and the consequence of our fear is our daughter’s misery
hmmmmmm
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:19 pm
My facebook status changes asap bcos of this very brave, yet insightful piece of writing…this is simply too practical to be ignored! Well done
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:30 pm
Well done. What i like most about your essay is the pitch and style of writing. I will also like to add that you making fear sound like an individual we can do away with,which bring to mind the reason why we ever fear at all. The good stuff about your pitch and tone of your writing is you have the ablility to capture ones attention with the questions and possible answers. The style of writing is also unique because it simple and complex at the same time.Finally i believe at the end you made women understand equality is ours for the taking.This to me captures the whole essence of the essay.
March 4th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Good luck Tayo! Well written, well said. The bird is right there in the hands of women. It is their call, if it is dead or alive.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:22 am
beautifully written, well- articulated, absolutely thought-provoking piece..fear indeed cripples us, robbing us of our dreams. i hope u win this..gr8 job
March 4th, 2010 at 2:49 am
Tayo, this is a good piece. I wouldn’t consider my self to be a connoisseur, but in my opinion, your piece delineates the true state of mind of the human race, so enslaved by the fear of the uncertain, hoping someday to be liberated from this dungeon. I pray that you will not only win this competition, but that someday you would be a voice to those that can’t speak for themselves, and bring these ones to the glorious liberty we now enjoy as God’s children. keep up the good work. I am proud of you
March 4th, 2010 at 2:49 am
What you have raised happens everyday, crosses a woman’s heart every minute, pricks a man’s ego, too. I mean, it’s not new, but what is, however, new about it is that you have not only been didactic, you have ignited a passion for self-awareness beyond the borders of illussions.You have stamped a reality.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:15 am
Intriguing, nice piece
March 4th, 2010 at 4:21 am
Tayo, your essay is quite excellent. Its in you!
I just kind of wonder what makes a girl scream when a bat flies across the room at night and the boys stares like nothing happened. Maybe its in her nature to react FIRST that way. Of course,we all know that in the end she can kill the bat herself IF he does nothing.
This issue of gender equality has been around for ages, and according to your first sentence in paragraph three, the progress seems so slow that we don’t know for how long this struggle will continue. My point is: the woman is not MEANT to struggle this way, if men are responsible enough. She does not have to struggle to be heard if the man will just listen. I think of the gender struggle this way: after completing her responsibilities, she goes ahead to make the man do his.
I totally agree with you that the woman should be fearless. I’m just adding that the man should also be taught to be responsible; to know how to treat the woman well so she does not have to struggle to be equal anymore. We sure know that he can’t do without her.
Tayo, wish you success in this. Hope you win.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:06 am
Fantastic stuff….I agree with you that fear rules the world and fills the heart of women…:).
I also do think there wont be equality till we dismantle all the organisations, conferences such as Ministry of Women that are solely dedicated to women are scrapped. They seem to state and remind everyone that women are the lesser gender…which I think is wrong.
Bravo Tope…good write up!!!
March 4th, 2010 at 5:08 am
The fear of death limits life. Fear limits. But I feel as the Tiger doesn’t pronounce that he is a tiger but pounces. So should a woman not declare that she is a feminist but just do what she wants. The truth is that a woman is more powerful in the “traditional” roles she plays. Just sit and shine a touch and you would see that women control the world because they give life to the world.
Nice piece Tayo. Let the people who can read take in this message and apply it.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:43 am
BEAUTIFUL!
March 4th, 2010 at 5:47 am
Excellent article and very intelligently written. Women are at the center of every home, and their importance should never be understated, however it continues to be this way. You make many important points, and your article is certain to get every reader thinking, well done Temitayo.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:57 am
I can now rest in peace, becaseu as far as I know, if I die today my two daughters will have good role models.
PLease keep it up and do not relent, this is just teh begining. Or what more do I SAY.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Hmmmn what can i say here, it’s really nice reading this essay, ladies and gentlemen, i share in your drive. Despite all the unfair attributes alooted to women, I’m glad to let you know, that my Mum is woman, my friend is a lady, i have five wonderful sisters… Angela Merkel, Ellen Sirlef Johnson, Hillary Clinton.. These are women of substance. Well done Tayo
March 4th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Nice one Tayo, I have always share in the fact that you can really express your deep concern on strong issues..trust me, you are winning.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:52 am
You are right; education is not the solution to inequality. Speaking up and taking one’s stance is the only solution. You can acquire all the education you want in this world, if you don’t stand up for yourself, you will be oppress. Everywhere you go you will meet someone who will try to oppress you because of your gender.
I remember when I started my computer science undergraduate degree. My best friend and I were sitting in a lecture theatre waiting for the lecture to commence. She was chatting with a Chinese man. After awhile I noticed she wasn’t looking cheerful or happy while talking to the guy. They were speaking in Chinese. I asked her to translate what the guy told her because she looked upset. She turned to me and said “He said computer science is not a degree for a girl. This is not your place.”! I was outraged. I looked at him in disgust and I turned back to my friend.
“Then it’s our job to prove to him that education in any discipline isn’t for a specific gender.” I told her.
“In my country, I was praised for my intelligence, pushed to aim higher and encouraged to be whatever I aspire. I was pushed to be more than I can be.” I continued.
This is the truth. For me, I was never oppressed for being intelligent in Nigeria but now I can see the Chinese man’s prospective. Nigerian men are shocked and in awe whenever they learn that I’m a computer scientist who loves to program and who is very good at it.
Growing up, mum always nags me about my inability (she believes) to cook. She tells me that I will have problem in my matrimonial home if I cannot cook. Mind you, I can cook very well. I learnt to cook at a very young age because I’m always trying to be self-sufficient. I believe in teamwork and leadership when it comes to relationship. The man takes a lead but also listens and compromise. That’s teamwork and leadership. If I can cook, he should be able to make some attempts too. I’m not a slave. I want to cook for my man because I will love to not because it’s some kind of obligation that is specified for my gender.
Mum also expected me to get married right after I finished my first degree. It’s a typical Nigerian mentality. I refused to listen to her. In fact I told her what I want. I know what I want and that’s how I want it. I just pray to God to guide me through this journey called life, to help me achieve my goals and help me to be all that I can in every aspect of my life.
I know there is no need to bury my head in the sand because I know what the society expects of me as a woman. I’m the home maker and the peace maker. Being a 100% career woman is forbidden. If you don’t try to give in another woman will surely do it for you.
Crazy trade-offs but it’s up to you. You determine what you want how you want to live your life. Learn to compromise but never lose yourself. Always stand for what you believe in and what you want. Take it and demand for it!
Tayo, you are prompting me to write an essay on this topic. You are inspirational!
March 4th, 2010 at 7:57 am
what makes me laugh is how people justify subjugation of women by saying that it is part of our culture. i have proof that it isn’t. i don’t subscribe to ‘fighting’ for your rights because my rights are God-given. one major way to address it is to take the initiative, be courageous and do what you have to do – nature has a way of makeing a way for those who keep forging ahead. i like your article. it’s precise.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:09 am
This is no doubt an interesting piece, although I sense a measure of generalisation which seems to be blind to certain issues which have reasonably changed in many societies and families in Nigeria – if not Africa. For one, more women are getting educated in some parts of Nigeria and many women are so empowered that they are actually valued higher than the boys/men in many families. Again, if I take the example of job opportunities I seem to believe that women get (better?) jobs faster than men. Sample a typical class of graduates from a university. More women seem to get the better bank jobs, etc. In any case, what I find most perceptive in the essay is the issue of fear. The woman is actually her best enemy. More women say they can’t because they cannot be allowed. Because they are socially or otherwise constrained. So they end up not trying. The Nigerian society is not as oppressive as typically presented by those who simply incant what they have read up elsewhere, almost by certain group of women who are fatalistic or otherwise frustrated. If the system were that oppressive, why have we had women, determined, powerful and strong women, emerging in even some of the most arduous disciplines? In some communities that I know, men’s protests are not usually as effective as those of women. It means that emancipation CAN happen. It DOES happen. And it WILL happen if you have the WILL. If others – even if you say ‘just a few’ – can make it, why not you. Stop thinking always that there is a man behind with a matchete to cut you down. Sometimes it’s actually just another woman going to cut you down. Just DO IT – whatever it is.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:40 am
We think we are different from everyone else, until something happens and we see we have much the same opinions and knee-jerk reactions/
the problem with the subject of gender equality, is that we have to speak about gender equality!
just like seperate but equal before it.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:49 am
Great piece Girl, it is very disgusting when women are refered to as the weaker sex, I hate it when they say it’s mens’ world. No, it’s every bodys’ world both men and women, women should stand up and fight for their right, push fear aside as I did when i was young.
I happen to be the only girl in my family and alias my younger brother was a pain in the ass, I dear not talk, sit, eat, watch TV or instruct him, but when I stood up and fought for my right has his elder sister he dear not disrespect me even in public.
That is the power of courage, fighting for your right. So dear, it is high time we women fight for our freedom and claim our position in the world.
Imagine, women are the weaker vessels yet they are go to work like men do, give birth to children that men cannot, stronger than men to carry pregnancy for good 9 months (if not more than), nothing is being done by men and women does not.
So what are we talking about, it’s both men and womens’ world not even when a home (marriage) that seems to be a big issue in the society, women owns the ‘KEY’. Let’s brave up, women are the subject and always have a say in every issue unless we want to deceive ourselves.
Let me not start another write-up but definitely we are both at it.
Keep it up TY the skye is just the starting point. Wishing you the best in this competition.
March 4th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Temitayo,
Well done for putting thought to paper – or is it PC-. I like the simplicity of your writing.
Fear begins in Nigeria from when a’troublesome’ toddler( whether male or female)is taught that “ojuju” or ‘police’ is coming to get them for their bad behaviour. People of tyrannical parentage, or siblinage( my word) also tend to be fearful, or they confront that fear and seek liberation through rebellion.
Fear is the slimy underbelly of the legendary ‘resilience’ of Nigerians: fear of the omniscient and omnipotent ‘big man who can do and undo’; Big Man is aware of our fears and exploits it and can therefore get away with blue murder…
What am i saying? Fear is a human thing (neither female nor male). Humans and perhaps animals actually have a fight or flight reflex which is nature’s way of hepling us cope with a frightening situation. We all have to confront fear and slay our demons(fight) if we don’t want them to hound us (flight).
It is the duty of mothers and fathers, as nurturers of forthcoming leaders,to show their progenies the limiting boundaries of fear(of whatever colouration) and raise courageous girls and boys in a non-tyrannical atmosphere.
I hope that you win this essay contest. You certainly deserve it.
March 4th, 2010 at 9:40 am
This is quite a fantastic essay. It’s a revisit on the gender issue.
My view on issues like this has always been radical. I don’t think that fear is what the woman suffers from. In fact, the woman’s strength is the fact that she is considered afraid, timid and shy. The man has indirectly been the targeted victim of gender battle.
Humanity is naturally faced with a paradox of problems. All these are what actually make humans what they are, and for life to subsist there must be such paradoxical happenstances.
The woman is both a victor and a victim. The same thing that is considered her weakness is at the same time her strength. Initially, it was thought that if women were educated they would be emancipated. Even the very educated ones are still associated in the crudest of activities, such as genital mutilations and other cultural brouhaha. The issue raised in the essay could have been broadened to accommodatye the fear that men face in his relationship with the woman and humanity in general. We are all victims of the same social, political, psychological and spiritual factors.
March 4th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Tayo,Its a very good essay you have writing, I am impressed but not surprised because I know your worth and what you can do without any doubt in my heart you are winning this contest no matter what. As a “Woman Right fighter” you have always made your impact in gender issues with or without any contest,and now there is one I am optimistic you will excel. Good work and Good luck. My view is that women are not afraid but are not just ready to face the bitter truth which is standing up for there rights.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Very thought provoking piece. Great Job.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I started reading this with a mild skepticism – not that I have always supported female inequality but much more because I have never seen an accurate antidote to this. Tayo, you just did a great job here to educate me on some things that has always gored my heart and thoughts, thanks and well done…
March 4th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Spot on Temitayo. Fear is really that barrier between women and equality. and that fear i believe is many times like a glittering mirage.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I laughed when I read your comment about the lady who is mistaken for a whore at a hotel..Trust me, if you live in Abuja and visit the Hilton at any time of the day, however well dressed, you’re a suspect as far as you’re female. That is what gender bias does to one. Your piece has seriously given me food for thought..
March 4th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
if at all there is need to fight, i believe the women should do that. it is true men do not look at women as equal. it is also true that most women do not see themselves as equal to men. there is need to first change the mind set of women about themselves. most marriages are being controlled by the men. both of them are suppose to make decisions together. people and organisations can talk from now for all i care, if the women folks cannot stand up and speak for themselves, then, the men will continue to see them as not equal. WOMEN, PLEASE STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHT.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
And of course, every woman’s worst fear: That we are not good enough…
Nice piece.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Temitayoooooooooooo!!! Wao!! Let me exhale! Hmmm, After reading, I asked myself, “Why is she writing about me?” Then I realized she is also writing about,the woman in Bangladesh, Kenya, Australia, Germany, Cameroun,Iran…women all over the world. You put our fears, our weakness in our faces so to speak. Will this write up make me speak out more, help me raise my daughter not just to aspire to end up in a man’s house just as I was raised? it will. Consciously rubb in the fact that although she was not born a man like her brothers she is not a lesser human being. Thank you Tayo, your craftsmanship is also something to commend. Beautifully written piece. Please continue writing. Weldone.
March 4th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Tayo, this is a great piece! Congratulations on this feat. You have done us proud! I can imagine how proud of you Aunty Funmi will be after reading this piece:-)
March 4th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Wow! awesome! awesome! awesome!
March 4th, 2010 at 6:22 pm
spot on Tayo…nobody can make you feel inadequate without your permission and that’s what you have brought out in your essay. Good job Tayo!!
March 4th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Excellent!
March 4th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
this is a wonderful piece
March 4th, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Great piece!
March 4th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Tayo, this is a masterpiece, keep up the good work.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I am not surprised that Tayo has done this. She is one hell of a woman and an even better writer. The spirit of the likes of Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti and Margaret Ekpo lives on!
March 4th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I do not flatter you Temitayo when I say this is brilliant, well written and inspiring. You’ve spoken out and I know people are reading. We all know your words are true (women not speaking out about rape because they do not wish to scare away a potential husband, women allowing the society to force their ideas of a what a ‘good woman’ is on them etcetera)and writing this article was a bold move. Women who push for gender equality in our society are not always looked upon favorably, an attitude that has to change. I wish I had more thumbs to do the thumbs up sign. More power to your elbows!!!
March 4th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Nice piece Temitayo. Thank you for making Nigerian proud. God bless you
March 4th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Nice article. We don’t expect any less from Tayo anyway. Keep it up!
March 4th, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Sincerely and objectively written.
March 4th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
Tayo,
Well done. This is one piece that speaks for all of us. I hope this article teaches more than a lesson and inspires individual change. Well written piece, proud of you; proud of my generation.
E!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Sensitive and thought-provoking… and inspiring to feel the clarity and depth you bring to your feelings and how generous in sharing them.
Thank you!
March 4th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
It is good that women understand themselves and understand the fact that fear could actually pull them off track. The larger part of discourse is that it has come to haunt our mentality; the feeling of superiority and all whatnot when nothing like that really matters.
Temi, you have written one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read. Keep going.
March 5th, 2010 at 12:04 am
Good article, but I have to go slightly against the grain here. I believe that evolution has assigned roles to each sex. Based on that, a woman’s PRIMARY function is to bear kids and take care of them. this is not to say that she is subservient to her man, I don’t accept that. I simply believe that women and men have different roles in working towards the same goal.
March 5th, 2010 at 12:43 am
Nice piece Temitayo. Thank you for making Nigerian proud. God bless you
March 5th, 2010 at 12:49 am
This is indeed a great written piece that supports the Millenium Development goal especially with a view to supporting women advancement.Not only is it objectively written,it has a depth to it and cuts across strategic issues on these target groups.This is an inspiring piece somewhat expository and worth of serviving as an advocacy tool..pls keep up and never tire to change you world through your pen!One love,Mina!
March 5th, 2010 at 12:51 am
We appreciate your works deeply and your depth in ensuring we look at fear in different lights!!!ad strive to overcoming it!
March 5th, 2010 at 1:21 am
temitayo…im literally shedding tears as im reading this..yes i am a tad bit too emotional.during my office meeting they said my girl power on the radio was too much. but your writing is incredible. i guess whe have to take it for ourselves cos no one will give it to you…well done lov
March 5th, 2010 at 1:36 am
tayo my daughter lol you have raised a question that has bothered me for a very long time. I’m male but i often think about the marginalization of women. The throbing question on my mind is ‘what is gender equality?’ because really i fear the woman might overstep her boundry. There is no doubt universally especially in Africa the woman has not been treated equally with the man by the society but i fear in the strive for equality the woman offends nature. Nature designed living things and their structure has determined their existence. A lion does not aspire to swim. It can’t! It has no fins. An pelican though with wings cannot fly high. Nature did not build it to! There’s a reason the womb is in the woman and the breasts too. Nature is telling us raising children is better(not solely) the duty of the woman. I’m not saying women are destined to be housewives but in their chase for an enviable career they should not leave the upbringing of their children to the househelp or anyone else. There is a reason the man is strongly built. He is the defender of the society though this has been abused and used to terrorise the weaker vessels- women and children hence gender inequality!
March 5th, 2010 at 2:32 am
The amazon of modern day literature, we hail thee.This is another method of advocacy. Well written and digested!Thanks for this masterpiece.
March 5th, 2010 at 2:45 am
Women, where art thou in the family, office, society and the world? This is what this article is all about. Good work Temitayo.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:21 am
Really nice piece of writing….didn’t know i was @ the end already…wanted to read more…I’m really proud of you…….
March 5th, 2010 at 3:31 am
Qdance ,I believe that charity begins at home,for us to be able to think of the bigger picture we first have to start with the one infront of us.It is not that women want to advance their cause more than that of being a human being first.We are just saying that the status quo cannot remain as it is,maybe as a man you will not understand because you have never been treated as an object.You have never had to contend with ukuthwala(where a man just drags you to his home to be his wife)in full view of every one in the village,and women ululating when they hear the screams because they do not know any better.
You have not watched whilst a woman that has been bitten by her husband returns home to her parents to be told by her mother that this is the way all husbands do this kind of thing,and her father haggles with the husband on the number of cows he has to pay to get his wife back.Where is the role of this woman in all this she has no voice she dares not embarass her family.If she decides to leave this husband she will be shunned by society and carry the stigma of being the one who has come back.
These are just the few things that women have to contend with.Unfortunately if it seems that we trying to put ourselves on silos it is because at this moment this is the only weapon we have,then we can start to change the world as a whole because the whole world does not exist when my world right now is not whole.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Well-done Temitope.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:51 am
Nice one Tayo! I’ve to keep this; read and read again. Honestlty, fear rules the world. I’ve known you to be an advocate of gender equality. It’s a nice piece: excellent one. Keep the fire burning in the quest to conquer this so called gender inequality. More power to your elbow, Tayo!
Congratulations!
March 5th, 2010 at 3:54 am
Well wriiten article Tayo. God bless you.
March 5th, 2010 at 4:40 am
Hello Tayo,
a splendid essay you’ve got here.
I like the insight you bring into this topic.
I’ll tag a couple of my friends okay?
- Ra.
March 5th, 2010 at 4:55 am
Indeed. the fear which thrives on certain aspects of our culture keep many women down. But you know what they say, You can’t keep a good woman down and so it is only a matter of time (hopefully)
March 5th, 2010 at 5:15 am
Courage makes the life of all; so it is incumbent on all women to take charge not minding the restrictions of society and menfolk. Great piece.
March 5th, 2010 at 5:54 am
this is such a gr8 essay,tayo!one of d best i’ve read concerning dis topic,very wonderful one.keep it up!
March 5th, 2010 at 6:35 am
This is a nice piece Tayo.
The problem of inequality of gender is one that is encouraged by the society. Religion could have helped but its a major source of the inequality. However, the problem should be tackled with caution.
March 5th, 2010 at 6:42 am
Hey guys…stop waiting on your women or girlfriends to serve u like ur fathers did…she doesnt have to be the one to be in the kitchen just so you could eat…she doesnt have to be the one to bring that cup of water for you to quench your manly thirst..she doesnt have to be the one to fetch your water so you can have your bath…she doesnt have to do the dishes always or wash your clothes…etc girls please quit these subservient chores..my take is if you want water…quit your butt on that couch, drop the remote control and get the water yourself…afterall you are the one that is thirsty…I believe women should confront their fears…why stay with a guy that abuse you in the name of love?…just so you would answer his damned name? so you would rather answer a name and die than stay alive and pursue your dream…guys its time to change the status quo….the steretypes…
March 5th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Good words for the women folks, but I have always kept a stance that the most of ill treatments women get is ooften from their women folks…..
In the african mother-inlaws/daughter wars, polygamy fueds… these are pure femini treatment against the female folks….
but in all, I will only say the world, for both male and female, should become a more friendly place for all human… both ‘ FOR MANDELA and WOMANDELA’
March 5th, 2010 at 7:01 am
Temitayo; This is a really nice one,… very true words
March 5th, 2010 at 7:14 am
I believe we have a misplaced concept of fear that leaves women handicapped. It is not about the individual, it is the action that can cause a ripple effect to all around her. Among the women folks, do we have sympathy for a fellow woman who have been stripped of her dignity via the lewdness of a deranged man who find it easy to defile her. Where are the voices to speak up if in the family the victim turns round to be the accussed. We point fingers at offensive dressing,overbearing attitude and a feministic approach, yet when none of these vices are really the cause, we still turn round to label the victim as a slut. We have the power, not by demonstrations, or with the use of a public address sysytem, but in those little things like standing against the use of governmental platforms to gain sympathy. Yes, we need to be so descisive to know that unless you are ready to be fully committed to the game, you may end up as part of the statistics in an ever spirally world of unjustice to women folk. Yes, we may be groomed to be homemakers, wives, lovers and mothers. It may be innate or acquired, it is not a thing to be ashamed of, neither should it be a bone of contention. So in my opinion, anybody can be a wife, a mother or a lover, but the question is, is that what you want to be rememberd of? If that is it, well, no problem. But if you desire a more lofty passion that should give you a more worldwide recognition that most women crave, then you have to scale over the hurdle of laziness. I say this because some women can be lazy. For the men who are successful, there are twice that number who desires it in their dreams but they never strive just hard enough to make it. For the number of women who have made their mark, you can be sure that there are twice that number who will hide behind the banners of inequality and opression. But the truth is, you have to fight for what is yours. Most people are not comfortable with the idea of leaving their comfort zone. Our men, the husbands, fathers and lovers, they pamper us so much and we just love to soak up in the luxury. We have the heroes who have shown us that it is possible to be you. okay, there were barriers, but the truth is that they broke it. They broke it into pieces. If women realise that what they want is also the same thing that some men want, then the cries of inequality will simply melt into the shadows. Yes, i want another lover apart from my spouse. Should i should i not are questions that I should be able to answer,beyond thinking that the society will frown on it, or my husband. If i make my point clear that i need more than what my man will give, if he can, fine, if he can’t,then i should go the other way. But you will be surprised that why many men will marvel at my courage, my most antagonists will be my fellow comrades, my supposed allies , who are supposed to see the benefit of being free to make my OWN choices. They will be the first to run me down, they will castigate me and make mockery of me. They will say i am a disgrace to womanhood. They will give reasons why i am a deviant of the woman race. And when i think of the fact that i have no friends, no supporters, no one to help, i just push my brave thoughts into the reccess of my mind and join the bandwagon of those who shout against the inequality meted to women. Then it becomes a case of No Victor, No Vanquished.
March 5th, 2010 at 8:10 am
Hey Tayo. God bless you for going beyond the usual box in exploring the issue. I always say that restricting the ocnversation to certain issues: education, etc, wont much help women beyond a certain age grade, even location.
Thought provoking
March 5th, 2010 at 9:02 am
‘The journey is not for the faint-hearted. That’s why I think the sole enemy to gender equality is fear’
You’ve said it all Tee. In Africa especially in Nigeria where our traditional values keep drawing women back to the kitchen roles and limiting them to the roles of baby making factories; it’s a bit of challenge to get us out of this sticky situation called gender inequality. A woman then needs to stand out and decide that come what may her voice will be heard and her convictions will be respected by men. I’m so tired of hearing the cliche phrase- “its a man’s world!”
Good piece Tee!
March 5th, 2010 at 9:42 am
Well done for putting this excellent write-up together Tayo. These issues affect every woman, regardless of where she is from. We need courage to break down barriers and challenge stereotypes.
March 5th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Ori e o fokan sibe! Weldone omo Olofinlua.
March 5th, 2010 at 10:06 am
tayo,
you have done well again. this time, it will be for your upliftment. keep it up.
March 5th, 2010 at 11:18 am
I read this piece twice to make dis comment, its indeed brilliant. But, the weaker vessel syndrome in most women is inevitable except for the ones who are exceptional daring, audacious, heroic, valiant and dauntless.
March 5th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
As much as I agree with you, i also believe fear is that univesal strand that runs through us all. Fear is not biased to any gender. Men fear too, fear of been called a weakling, fear of being bullied, fear of not achieving enough to be called a man, fear of being rejected by women. But as my grandfather once told me, we all have to face our fears. Let every man face that which he fears and conquer it, let every woman face that which she fears and conquer it. But in truth the society is tilted too much towards masculinity. i wish i could change that. Blame the Neanderthals.
Incisive essay though, truthfully written and you can’t read it and not come away with something educative and positive. Kudos Temitayo.
March 6th, 2010 at 1:58 am
Temi! You are unstopable. That’s the spirit of real human beings (male or female). Amina,Idiah,Tinumbu, all left their marks. Afterall immediately after ‘oso ile mo juba’ it is ‘aje ile mo juba’. There is a strong reason for that among our people.
March 6th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Great work Tayo, well done
March 7th, 2010 at 7:03 am
This is so wonderful T. Welldone! You address an issue that bothers a lot of us. It is fear that makes us stay in emotionally, physically and verbally abusive relationships. That fear of who we really are.we look around and believe we are “lucky” and not DESERVING of the good that comes to us. I am positive that all of this will end. It will end because you have spoken, many have concurred and received boldness to speak up. That is a step towards liberation. Hope u win T!
March 7th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
This is a nice one from Tayo. Gender issues are pressing issues that require a quick attention because everything in the world is rapidly changing then women issues should not be left un attended to. Great one there Tayo
March 8th, 2010 at 7:35 am
Tayo, this is a wonderful pieces you have here, its very impressive and should be read by everyone.I wish you all the best anyway.
March 8th, 2010 at 12:57 pm
A well written piece, Temitayo. Very bold and insightful. I hope many women will read this and begin the process of fighting fear.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:00 am
This is great insight by Tayo. I am a fan of yours. For anyone who wants to read some more GREAT articles on gender issues, Go to this link I posted below:
http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/content/category/4/137/55/
I think these articles were written circa 2006 / 2007. The Author is a certain Ms. Folasayo Dele-Ogunrinde (I wonder what has happened to her since then). She was however skewered by the men who responded out of fear of the truths in her articles some even threatened her. She also did mention fear by men as a reason why gender equality will continue to be a problem in Nigeria. Among other things, she touched on the mother in law problems and the cycle of abuse by women on women. Very intersting read. Temitayo, you are one to watch out for.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:12 am
I think I have the above link wrong. Please see:
http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/index.php?option=com_comprofiler&task=userProfile&user=1435
March 13th, 2010 at 5:54 am
Great article. Very insightful.
March 13th, 2010 at 6:48 am
Temitayo
2 words: WELL DONE. I’m tempted to go further.
i only wish we (females0 wl be able to take the bull by the horn and do that which life & not the society demands of us cos society sees us as the weaker vessels who should shut up. Women should not wait till they av ‘that opportunity’. it starts from the small no that should be said when necessary & not bottling up our thots in fear.
Well done dear, Beyond the Sky is your limit. I’m proud of u.
March 13th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Just to share a quotation which suits this essay perfectly well(I am not sure if any of you has posted it here, I have no time to go through each and every comment here)
“It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.”
~Aung San Suu Kyi’s “Freedom From Fear” speech~
Well done, Temitayo!
March 13th, 2010 at 2:21 pm
This is a nice one from Tayo. Gender issues are pressing issues that require a quick attention because everything in the world is rapidly changing then women issues should not be left un attended to. Great one there Tayo.
March 17th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Tayo, I found the link to your article on Funmi’s blog. For some reason your article does not communicate to me on a global scale but I hear it selfishly for myself and am deeply haunted by your words. Without boring you with too much detail, I will say this, your article has helped me to locate ‘the problem’. I recognise fear as the enemy that inhibits men and women alike from dreaming, living.
I am liberated from fear. Thank you.
March 17th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
I have always maintained that the concept of ‘Women Liberation ‘is an abberation.We should concern ourselves more with liberating men from the strangle-hold of the womenfolk, be they their wives, girl-friends, or even mothers, aunties and such like superficially harmless other enslaving relations.I thank the author for emphasizing this need-o pari,,
May 1st, 2010 at 2:54 am
VERY interesting and Realistic write up !! Kudos ….as you sing the message to us all, loud and clear. Smiles
The issue of gender inequality is even worse in the Northern part of Nigeria where fear dominates the willing and able ….. and the issue of women oppression, challenges and abuse in the struggle for freedom does not also help….
May 26th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Wonderful piece Temidayo. You brought tears to my eyes as i recollected my personal experiences with alot of the issues you highlighted. Keep up the good work.